Small Talk on Wellness (Entry 2): On Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Insights from Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus and Carole Kamangu

Description

In the second part of our conversation on wellness, Heather and I discussed the importance of developing healthy boundaries and promoting healthy communication skills. Healthcare professions are focused on human relationships and service to others for the common good. To maintain a healthy work environment and promote resilience, healthcare professionals need to prioritize healthy relationships both in their personal and professional lives. Join the conversation as we discuss the importance of maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships.

Interviewer: I think one thing many people have a hard time with is not only saying "no" but hearing "no", and taking that in. And I'm curious, how do you navigate saying "no" to some of those more difficult relationships and to some of those bosses that don't love hearing "no"?

Interviewer: Or even in your personal lives with, family, friends, how do you say "no" in some of those more difficult relationships?

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: Yeah you're right, Hannah. There's lots of people out there that don't like being told no. I think we live in a culture where boundaries aren't asserted very frequently and people are sometimes taken aback by a "no" to a request.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: And, we have to be careful here because, again if I have a job that primarily is required of me to travel, and that's the job that I've taken, for me to say "no" to traveling, it is not appropriate in that situation because the requirement of my job is to travel. And so what would be appropriate for me would be not to take that job if it's not in line with my priorities, right?

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: But in those situations where you're asked to do something that is not a part of your job description , or maybe it's an additional ask another project, a side job, something like that, where you're saying "no" or you have that difficult personality that you're working with in the workplace, there are ways that we can set boundaries in those situations too.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: And I think... one of the things that we need to do is we need to get really clear about what boundaries are, because boundaries are not about controlling other people. We cannot control how other people react to us. We can only control how we react back to them. And really, we don't want to react,

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: we want to respond, and respond in healthy ways, even when they're not going to respond healthily towards us. So those boundaries are what are we going to do in response to someone who is not a healthy communicator, healthy personality, which we've all dealt with those in the workplace.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: One way in which we do that is to just communicate very clearly, confidently and an example of that would just be, "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to respond to work emails on the weekend" and if that continues to be a problem, there's sometimes that we need to escalate that, or there's sometimes that, that we need to say, "I'm sorry, I have stated that this is my boundary,

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: and if you're going to continue to harass me about that, then I'm going to have to cut off communication with you" whatever situation that might be, and that might not always be appropriate in every situation. So we need to be careful about how we assert those boundaries and how we communicate those boundaries.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: But again, boundaries are not controlling other people and their responses to us. It's controlling our responses to them. And what we're going to tolerate in the workplace.

Carole W. Kamangu: Yes, we can only control our actions, our emotions. We can't control anyone else.

Carole W. Kamangu: So when dealing with a difficult person, I personally have noticed with time that I have a lot of inner strength, which I didn't know until I started working with difficult people. Then I realized, especially when the person is trying to bully you, just as you said, Heather, very kindly, "I don't agree with this approach for this specific issue.

Carole W. Kamangu: I don't think that's the right way to go." And if they keep insisting, then I say, "I'm not going to participate. I don't feel like that's right." And also working in health care, we have to think about ethics, right? If the person is pushing you to do something, no matter what type of health care professional you are, even outside of health care.

Carole W. Kamangu: The person is trying to push you to do something that's not ethical, and it doesn't align with your value, it doesn't align with the work, or even if it aligns with the work, but it's totally against your value and you know that it's wrong, place a boundary and just say, kindly, "I'm not going to participate", then it's going to be a problem, but I personally always just stop there and say, "I'm sorry, I'm not going to participate."

Carole W. Kamangu: and I walk away for me that works. Because in some situations you really do have to walk away because going back and forth doesn't help. As infection preventionists, however, we have some situations, I have worked in areas where, for example, the person is not following the proper infection prevention practices and placing the patient at risk.

Carole W. Kamangu: In those areas, you place a boundary in your conversation, making sure that there's no disrespect. You respect what they do and you also make sure that they respect what you do and use education as a way to deal with the conflict at that time and explain to them:

Carole W. Kamangu: "This is really for your safety. This is not about me. This is not about you. It's not about our titles. It's really about this patient that we're talking about right now", and then the boundary is really just going straight to education because that's the only place where we can find a common ground.

Interviewer: I think so much of our work-life balance depends on our boundaries, both, in our personal lives and our work lives, they're so intertwined. So if you want to touch on that, I would love to hear your responses.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: Go ahead, Carole.

Carole W. Kamangu: I like to saying, "you don't choose your family, you choose your friends." I also feel like in the workplace, unless you were part of the hiring panel, you don't choose your coworkers. So with your coworkers, you have to develop different coping mechanisms when you place your boundaries.

Carole W. Kamangu: But, in your personal life, you can choose your friends. If this person is toxic in your life, doesn't bring any value and you don't help each other out, the relationship is superficial or the relationship just hurts you, it's really easy to just cut all ties. And there's always a way even to stay very courteous with the person.

Carole W. Kamangu: You can stay kind to someone and not have a deep relationship with them. And that's also about boundaries that you can place if the person really likes you, they're not good for a friendship, you can still have conversations, like "happy birthdays", "Merry Christmas", but it doesn't mean that they have to be in your close circles. When you have problems, they don't need to be involved and know all your problems because those are not the people you go to for advice anyways, so really knowing who not to have in your circle in your personal life is very crucial.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: Yeah. I'm thinking about how technology plays into this too. How technology can make it difficult for us to maintain a work-life balance, both in the workplace and with our personal lives.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: I think of the people that are constantly on their phone at work, on social media, texting friends and family, and their productivity is down a lot because technology, that instant access to the ability to socialize or to answer a work email is really impeding that work-life balance. So one way in which I've asserted a boundary with maybe family or with friends in my personal life is if i'm getting just a constant onslaught of texts, I might say " You know, I really want to help with this, but right now I'm in a meeting or I'm writing a really important paper.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: And at 3 p. m. I'll have an opportunity to get back to you. Or after work today at 5, before I go to the kids soccer game, let's catch up and have a quick phone call. Tell people what your boundaries are. I think one of the things that's really key to note or to highlight here on boundaries is that we are communicating boundaries to other people.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: We can't have boundaries without communicating those boundaries. So I can't just ignore my boss's email over the weekend, when they're expecting me to answer without telling them: "I don't answer emails on the weekend". Or same with a friend or a family member.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: I might shoot them a quick text and say, I really can't get back to you right now, but I'd love to catch up. How seven o'clock tonight after work? And so what are your boundaries? Communicate those to people because you teach people how to treat you based on what you'll tolerate or accept.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: So technology makes things difficult. We feel like we always have to be available to everyone, but we don't. And we can tell them that we're not always available. And still be kind.

Carole W. Kamangu: Can we pause for a minute so I can drink some water?

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: Absolutely. I need to drink some water too.

Interviewer: Hydration is so important.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: Yes, it is very important. Actually, this is such a good point. We have to take care of ourselves and we think we neglect to take care of ourselves. So much in our jobs and especially people in helping professions. We want to be there for other people and we forget to show up for ourselves.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: So honestly, Carole, I love that you just said that it, it highlights the whole point of this. Like you're saying, I need water. We all need water. And just saying, Hey, I need a break for a moment is just another way to assert a boundary to say I need a moment to drink some water.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: I need to take care of myself. Me too.

Interviewer: That's so real. And I personally have so many teacher friends or nurse friends who talk about how they'll go eight hour shifts without taking a sip of water because they're so focused on their jobs. And it shouldn't be like that.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: No, it shouldn't be.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: And I think, that really segues into a really good point that we need to make and that part of having work-life balance and preventing burnout, really taking care of our well-being as working people is making sure that we are taking care of ourselves before we take care of everyone else.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: And like I said, I think this is a really a danger for helping professions. You mentioned teachers and nurses. And I know I have been this way. So many times in my career where I have been the one that has gone eight hours, 12 hours without having a sip of water constantly on my feet, running around, especially when I was a bedside nurse and it's not healthy.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: We have to prioritize our own health. And it's as simple as, how do we take care of our physical health, our mental health, our spiritual health? What are the things that we need to do to fill us up and to keep us healthy? Because we really are our best, and at our best when we are healthy, when we are taking care of ourselves.

Interviewer: That is so true.

Interviewer: And I just want to ask the last question in regards to just the relationships that you facilitate instead of the negative relationships. When you have some of those positive relationships you want to pour into both in the professional and your personal realm, how do you nurture those relationships?

Carole W. Kamangu: Being there for each other is a really big thing for me. I've learned with time and, I'm not old, but I feel like I've learned, I've still learned a lot, right? As you grow up, you learn more things, but I've noticed with time, in my personal life, my friendship circle has shrunk a lot, people that I truly can depend on at 3 a. m. When things don't go well, I have that group of friends and those are the ones that are really nurture, because they become, as we like to call each other, with the females, we call each other "sister-friend", because we got to the point where we become like sisters. And it's really being there for each other, being transparent and respecting each other's ways.

Carole W. Kamangu: And as we've been talking about boundaries, in real friendships, you really know what ticks the other person off and you respect that and you don't try to step on their toes to just get on their nerves. Unless, of course, you're joking. But if it's a real situation. Some of my friends, for example I remember in college, I was already, doing the nursing thing, going hours without eating because I was studying.

Carole W. Kamangu: And my close friends already knew, oh, Carol is hungry. It's going to be bad because I would be so cranky. I wouldn't even know that I was cranky. And those were really good friends because they'd say: "okay, Carole, I get you some orange juice". And then I realized they're taking care of me.

Carole W. Kamangu: I didn't even realize I haven't eaten all this time. I'm just studying, because I want to pass this exam. And those friendships, you really keep them and you're there for each other. You try not to step on each other's toes because you don't want to lose that person. They become an integral part of your life.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: Yeah, I love that Carole. And I think again communication is so key in any kind of a relationship. So when you have that beneficial relationship in your life, whether it is in the workplace or it is in your personal life, you have to clearly communicate with them. Clear communication helps us to avoid assumptions and false expectations. Assumptions and expectations get us in trouble all the time, especially if they're not clearly communicated.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: I think oftentimes relationships go south because we're not clearly communicating what our needs in that relationship is, whatever that relationship might be, what our expectations in that relationship are and that tends to create conflict.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: So in the workplace that might mean that we are clearly communicating to our colleagues what our expectations are. And not leaving room for assumptions. When I have staff meetings, I asked for open feedback. I asked during my one on one meetings with staff.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: What are we doing well? What aren't we doing well? And they know that we're looking for true feedback. I want that clear communication for them. I want to abolish any assumptions and expectations they might have that are incorrect. And so we just have an opportunity to openly communicate in that way.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus: So I think that clear and open communication is just really important for beneficial relationships to be nurtured whether that's in the workplace or in our personal lives.

Carole W. Kamangu: Agreed.

Interviewer: I love both of your answers. And I think one of the underlying things I'm getting from both of you is just really communicating and being vulnerable.

Interviewer: And that's, I think very difficult for us to do. But I love how you correlate that both to your personal and your professional lives so well. 

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About the Speakers

Carole W. Kamangu and Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus are two nurses, infection preventionists and consultants who, like many nurses and healthcare professionals, have experienced burnout at different stages of their careers. Their experiences, more specifically during the COVID-19 pandemic when faced with competing priorities in their personal and professional lives, have taught them some important life lessons on wellness. They share what they have learned to benefit other professionals inside and outside of healthcare and to help them prioritize their health and well-being.

Heather (Saunders) Stoltzfus is the Founder and Senior Infection Prevention and Control Consultant of Broad Street Prevention. She demonstrates her commitment to wellness through her speaking engagements where she discusses her experience with burnout and raises awareness on burnout prevention strategies for healthcare professionals. She also publishes articles where she educates the infection prevention and control community in utilizing proven methods effectively to optimize their time management strategies and prevent burnout.

Carole W. Kamangu is the Founder/CEO and principal consultant of Dumontel Healthcare Consulting. She demonstrates her commitment to wellness by bringing her passion for infection prevention, patient safety and staff empowerment through her work by supporting healthcare organizations in optimizing their infection prevention and control programs. She achieves this through speaking engagements, team and leadership education, staff coaching and mentoring, and the implementation of quality improvement projects to empower staff, reduce burnout, decrease HAI rates and save on healthcare costs.